How to Reach Your Goals
As the New Year approaches (especially after the year we’ve had), it is common to focus on New Years resolutions so you can manifest the best you, and the best year. But how many times have you promised yourself you’re going to get to exercising, to commit to reading one book a month, or to have that tough conversation you’ve been avoiding to no avail?
You know what I’m talking about. The cyclic nature of trying to keep that new promise to yourself no matter what can be detrimental to self esteem and perceived self competence when you have a tough time making it stick. So, how can you nip this in the bud? And further, how can you be conscious about the changes you want to make-- and commit?
What is the Transtheoretical Model (AKA the Stages of Change)?
This model can be understood as the decision making process a person goes through when they want to make a change in their life. This can be anything from quitting smoking* to exercising, leaving a job or ending a relationship. While this model has most often been used for health-related behaviors, there is evidence to show that it can apply to a greater pool of change.
To give you a better sense of how this works, let’s look at the process of deciding to change patterns of eating chocolate. Whether you’re not enjoying it anymore, it doesn’t feel worth the money, or it’s just something that you want to stop eating, for the sake of this example, you have begun your process to cease eating daily chocolate. The model is as follows:
Stage 1, Precontemplation: You have not yet decided that there is an issue with your love for chocolate, but are noticing that your friend found some research that says it may be bad for your health.
Stage 2, Contemplation: Typically after hanging out in the precontemplation stage for about six months, you tiptoe into the contemplation stage. You are recognizing that you may not enjoy the chocolate as much as usual and even recently read something about how it may lead to sluggishness and fatigue. You think about this the next time you go for a snack.
Stage 3, Determination: This typically entails action within the next 30 days. You get really into learning more about how chocolate impacts your body and energy. You might begin to ask your friends about who has kicked this snack food and what works for them. And you probably are still snacking on your favorites while saying to yourself, “tomorrow we are making this change”.
Stage 4, Action: You made it! You begin to implement your routine, have stopped buying the chocolate, and are committing to not putting it into your shopping cart. You are able to hold on to why this is important to you and want to maintain change.
Stage 5, Maintenance: Behavior change has been made, aka the chocolate is not a part of your life, and you have committed for about six months. You feel proud of your ongoing commitment to release something that you wanted to let go of, and you are taking action each day to keep this habit out of your life. You do this because it makes you feel better.
How does this apply to my goals?
If you are pondering this question, it sounds like you’re in the preparation stage of your change! This is a great thing to know about yourself, and helpful for next steps. There are some tools you can use to speed up your change process, though patience and diligence are still vital.
Assess where you are in your process
After reading the above stages, it should be easier to figure out where you are in your process. Are you thinking about implementing a plan? Do you know enough about where you want to be to get started? Do you believe that you have the strength to change? Check this article out for some concrete tools on how to be honest with yourself and your process.
Gather the facts
If you’re feeling stuck (for example, if you are reading this article and thinking “sounds great but…”), gather some more information about the change you want to make. Start researching different things that can work for your goal! Imagine a life where you reach your goal. What is this like?
Do a cost-benefit analysis
What will happen if you do wind up making your change? And, potentially more importantly, what will happen if you don’t? Recognize all the ways your life has the capacity of shifting, and be aware of the further changes that may come from your plans.
Be aware of feelings
If you are my client, you know I’m a big “awareness” person. When there is a feeling of stuckness, there is usually a reason for it. Keep in mind that this does not mean you are doomed to be stuck forever! Just be aware of what is coming up for you when you think about making your change.
For example, is there a fear rising to the surface? Or a feeling of incompetence? Do you truly believe you can excel without your favorite chocolate, or have you been told-- implicitly or explicitly-- that change is not possible for you?
Make a commitment...but not too big!
If you have never exercised before, it is unlikely that you are going to exercise for two hours every day for the next week. Try to be realistic with yourself and set a goal you can reach. This will give you a bit more confidence to keep raising the bar. After all, you can’t get to the roof of the building without taking the first step on the bottom floor!
Feeling a bit more ready?
That is awesome! If not, don’t fret. While this model is said to be transtheoretical, it really focuses more on thoughts and behaviors rather than deeper meaning and nuance. If you’re feeling stuck, it may be worth digging a little deeper with a therapist to help explore what is keeping you from the goals you want to reach.
I will leave you with this: Always, ALWAYS be patient with yourself. Humans are a complex mix of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, existential crises, idiosyncrises, chaos, order, and an infinite amount of flaws that make us beautiful. If you are stuck on your change, do not lose hope. This is okay and normal, and could just require a therapist’s trained and “as-objective-as-possible” perspective to help you see yourself wholly.
*Prochaska & Diclemente, 1983
