How to give yourself a break

How many times have the people you love told you that you need to figure out how to “self-care?” That you need a break from work, or that you don’t know how to slow down? What is self-care, and why is everyone so obsessed with it (but not actually doing it)?

Self-care is anything that is going to make you feel good- mentally, physically, or spiritually. So, if pseudo-meditating for 30 minutes in the middle of your workday is just making you more anxious, don’t do it. That is the opposite of self-care. On the flip side, if binge drinking a bottle of wine and watching Netflix instead of sleeping is going to make you feel terrible, this is also not self-care. The goal is to find the balance. What will help you relax and feel good about yourself? What will keep you balanced, so you don’t feel the need to numb yourself out?

Your brain and body cannot take a break if they are focused on the things that stress you out. When you ruminate (or have thoughts on repeat) about a situation again and again, your brain is emitting the same chemicals as it would be if you were really within that situation. So, if you’re not working, but you’re constantly thinking about work, then you are effectively at work.

People have such a hard time with giving their brains a break because their brains fool them into believing that being anxious is actually helping the problem. My clinical opinion is this: hanging out in a place of anxiety is NOT helpful unless you are able to mobilize out of that anxiety and into problem-solving mode. This, of course, is easier said than done.

And this is why it is so difficult to truly self-care— your brain believes that, when you do, you’re not paying attention to or fixing the problem. The chemicals in your body tell you there is danger, and that you are not doing enough to solve the problem unless you think about it constantly.

Quite the catch 22, right? Either you feel anxious and stay anxious, or you're ignoring the potential danger.

Mind over matter, folks. We’re going to give it a shot with these tips:

Set a limit on your venting

Rumination can be different than venting or blowing off steam. Venting can really be helpful, up to a point. When venting, if you feel like nothing is being solved and you're just getting worked up, try cutting off the thoughts that are making you anxious after about 20 minutes. This gives you enough time to register whether or not your venting is actually helpful.

Notice what feels helpful, and what doesn’t

Just because someone says something will be helpful doesn’t mean it will be helpful for you. So, if you’re trying some new type of self-care, pay attention to your body. For example, if you’re taking a bath, pay attention to whether your shoulders are getting tenser, or more relaxed. Notice your fists— are they clenched? Is your jaw tight? Are you starting to feel better, the same, or worse?

What about substances?

A glass of wine can be helpful, but not if you struggle with alcoholism. And not if you’ll be hungover tomorrow, and you’re someone who experiences the very real phenomenon of “hangxiety.” Try to figure out what amount feels good for you, and what starts to make you feel bad (physically or emotionally).

Connect with friends, or don’t

I am of the belief that our connections with others are one of the biggest aspects of what makes us human. That being said, there are times you may just want to be left alone. If being alone feels like self-care for a night or two (or 5), try it! Sometimes we need space to recharge, or sometimes this can be an indicator of something else (like withdrawal, which can be a symptom of depression). Try to ask yourself why being alone feels important, and whether it feels good, or if it just feels like the only option.

And boundaries, of course

For me, self-care and boundaries are the same. Not exactly the same, but you get the drift. Learning to put yourself first and to say no are crucial steps to learn how to exist in a world that feels like you matter. This means saying no to wine and movie night because your energy just feels too low. It could also mean organizing a wine and movie night because your energy is low and needs to be raised by the people you love.

And lastly…

Sleep enough, drink enough water, exercise, and eat well (plus the occasional pizza). You didn’t think I’d forget the tried and true, did you?

I once had a client come in who was feeling pretty depressed. After a few weeks of therapy, he let me know he was only sleeping for about 4-5 hours a night. We implemented some tools, he began sleeping 7 hours a night, and voila! he was no longer depressed. He stayed because therapy is helpful no matter how you’re feeling, but it was definitely a good lesson for both of us!

Bottom line: self-care looks different for everyone

Self-care is the most effective when it is done consistently. Integrating the idea of noticing what is helpful for you, and actually doing it, is one of the many keys to a fulfilling life. The less you feel like you need self-care, the more likely it is a part of your everyday experience. Try to think of it as a way of life, not an indulgence (though indulgences can be helpful, too!)

And different things will be effective for different people. While some of my clients like to unwind with classic rock, others love Taylor Swift. And I know that Taylor Swift would make some other clients cringe. Some love to journal, and others feel like it just makes them think about all the annoying stuff that happened to them that day. Try different things, and see what works for you. If you’re having a hard time, self-care with some friends and ask what they notice about you.

If you’re struggling with self-care in other ways (like you don’t feel you deserve it, or you have zero idea what will work for you) contact a therapist. We are here to help you explore why you are stuck, and to figure out alternatives. There are always ways to feel a little better!